Ophiuchus ruined our marriage

Relax. It didn’t. It’s just one of the funny comments I’ve read about a couple finding that they’re not compatible anymore due to the introduction of a new zodiac sign called Ophiuchus. Yes, this latest addition to our zodiac is getting a lot of headlines since yesterday.


A lot of people woke up to a new zodiac sign when the Minnesota Planetarium Society found that because of the moon’s gravitational pull on Earth, the alignment of the stars was pushed by about a month. According to them, here is where the real signs of the Zodiac should fall.

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Feb. 16-March 11.
March 11-April 18.
April 18-May 13.
May 13-June 21.
June 21-July 20.
July 20-Aug. 10.
Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

So what’s an Ophiuchus person like?

The constellation Ophiuchus represents a man wrestling a serpent, dividing the snake’s body in two parts.  It is the only sign of the zodiac linked to real men, sharing traits with Imhotep, a 27th century BCE Egyptian doctor, and biblical Joseph.

Like Imhotep, Ophiuchus is considered a healer of men and a doctor of medicine or science. He seeks higher education and enlightenment. He is expected to achieve a high position in life.

Like Joseph, he is an interpreter of dreams and vivid premonitions. He is envied by his peers and favored by his father and authority figures.


Not true!

But leading astrological experts say this won’t change things at all because Western astrology strictly adheres to the tropical zodiac, which is fixed to seasons. The sidereal zodiac, observed in the East, is the one affixed to constellations, and is thus the one that would change.

Other experts also say that the new sign and dates only apply to people born after Novermber 2009 when the constellation shifted.

Related read: Ophiuchus is not a sign, your zodiac has not changed

Funny lines

I really don’t care much about these astrological stuff but here are some more funny comments elicited by Ophiuchus which means serpent-bearer by the way.

Wow. Apparently there’s a new Zodiac sign called Ophiuchus. That sounds like it could be an STD, a Greek God, or Oprah’s scientific name.

But I just got this cool looking Virgo tattooed on my ankle yesterday!!!

So it turns out I’m a Gemini. Finally a scientific explanation for my multiple personality disorder!

I’m no longer good looking & witty but on the plus side I’m very practical with money and neat and tidy.

I have no Idea how to be a Sagittariu­s. Anybody wanna give pointers?

Darn! I was hoping I might be Ophiuchus, because it sounds mysterious and grand. But I’m kind of glad I’m not an Ophiuchus because it might take a long time to figure out how to pronounce it.

Are psychics and astrologer­s giving refunds?

This means I’m no longer a god-like being that all who meet bow down to? Now i have the personalit­y of a starved weasel in heat that must avoid elevators and little old ladies on escalators­?

Hey, this is great! My wife and I are now compatible­!

And from now on, blue will be known as orange; flowers will be called dogs; beer will be referred to as curtains; and cars shall be christened pants.

I went from a Scorpio to a Virgo and my sister went from a Virgo to a Leo, but my father and brother are still Tauruses. I guess we get new coffee mugs, but they don’t.

There’s just no way i can adjust to going from Scorpio to Libra. No way I tells ya. As a Scorpio I could get away with soooo many things. whenever i was being bad people would say “Well he’s a Scorpio after all”. now what am i supposed to do? blame it on the voices? huh? What dagnabbit?

OMG! You have the nerve to tell me this at the age of almost 61! You mean I chose the wrong mate, and these intervenin­g 25 years of blissful happiness have all been a lie. Are you saying that blue may not, in fact, be my favorite color — or worse yet, 8 might not be my lucky number? What about those days I called in sick to work because my horoscope advised me to avoid problems at work? Is there a way for me to reclaim that ill-used leave? How can I explain to my friends who have grown accustomed to “happy-go-­lucky” me that I am actually “brooding and sullen” and that this has all been just an act? Okay, okay, I will jettison the mate, change the job, dye my eyebrows a different color, and start playing new lucky lottery numbers (finally, I understand why I have never won anything). But, OMG, the opportunit­ies I have lost over the past six decades. Someone has some ‘splainin’ to do!

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3 Responses

  1. Robbie says:

    Lol. No way I’m letting myself be a Libra. Being a Scorpio is awesomeeeee! It’s like the sexiest, wildest, most creative among the 12 zodiacs! Wahahaha.

    But yeah. Whatever they say, I’m sticking to the 12 zodiac. I’m a scorpio by heart.

  2. nike7 says:

    Out of all my friends, only 2 of them didn’t have any changes to their zodiac signs. i believe they both had their birthdays in early to mid August.

  3. Calvin says:

    hahaha dahil nag-iba zodiac sign ko. dapat di na pala ako mahilig magtravel.

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